Gaslighting: When Reality Gets a Makeover You Didn’t Ask For
The Origins of Gaslighting
If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Wait, am I losing it?” you may have been gaslit. Gaslighting is the narcissist’s favorite magic trick, except the only thing that disappears is your confidence in your own memory, perception, and sanity.
The term comes from the 1944 movie Gaslight, where a husband dims the lights and insists to his wife that nothing has changed, slowly making her doubt her senses.
Today, gaslighting describes any pattern of manipulation that makes you question what is real.
The Slow Erosion Of Your Sense of Self
Gaslighting usually starts small
You call out a rude comment — they insist,“I never said that.”
You share how you feel — they reply, “You’re too sensitive.”
The goal is not just to win the moment, it is to chip away at your trust in yourself. Once you begin to doubt your own judgment, you become easier to control.
Why Does Gaslighting Work?
The reason gaslighting works, is because our brains are wired to second-guess ourselves, when er are faced with confident contradiction. If someone you are close to repeatedly tells you your memory is wrong or your feelings are not valid, eventually you start to wonder if they are right. Gaslighting works by turning your greatest ally, your own perception, into something you can no longer rely on.
What makes gaslighting so insidious is that it is not always obvious. It is not just outright lying. It can sound like
concern, “I am just trying to help you see the truth.”
dismissal, “You always exaggerate.”
rewriting history, “That never happened the way you think it did.”
Over time, it creates a fog where the narcissist becomes the keeper of truth and you are left questioning yourself.
How to Spot a Gaslighter
When it comes to trying to spot a gaslighter you have to pay attention to how you feel after conversations.
Do you feel more confused than before you started?
Do you apologize constantly, even when you are not sure what you did wrong?
Do you catch yourself doubting memories you once felt sure about?
All of these are red flags that someone is tampering with, and distorting your sense of reality.
Protecting yourself starts with awareness. Trust your gut when it tells you something is off. Keep a record of what is said and done. Write things down in a journal, save texts, and screenshot messages. It is not about proving them wrong, it is about keeping yourself tethered to the truth when someone else is trying to untie the rope. Build a support system of people who can remind you of what is real and validate your experiences when self-doubt creeps in.
The Game Has Begun
If the flames of self doubt have already been stoked and set ablaze, know that it is not too late to put a stop to it. When it comes to a gaslighter, setting boundaries is key. You must refuse to argue over your reality. You do not have to explain, over-explain, or defend what you know to be true. Simple statements like, “We see this differently,” or, “That is not how I remember it,” shut down the debate without feeding the fire. In some cases, reducing contact or cutting ties may be the healthiest move if the gaslighting is constant and corrosive.
Gaslighting will not stop because you finally prove your point, that is not the game. The game is control, and the way you win is by stepping out of the arena entirely.
Your Feelings Matter-Reclaim Your Reality
You have to fight the doubt that is being implanted in your head, and trust that you know best. Here is the truth, your memory, your perception, and your feelings are valid. You are not crazy, you are not imagining things, and you are not too sensitive. The only person who benefits from you doubting yourself is the one trying to control you. Reclaiming your reality is not just possible, it is powerful.
Elle Damian, RMHCI