Home for the Holidays and Somehow Twelve Again

The holidays are probably the most stressful and realistically non-Hallmark time of year for most of us. We pack up our bags and go home to see our families, somehow forgetting, or maybe not forgetting at all, that we have done a lot of growing since the last time we were there.

Then we walk back through that door and suddenly old patterns, expectations, and general family chaos hit like a truck.

Do not get me wrong, I love my family. I love being around them. But there is something about gathering together for extended time, especially on vacation or during the holidays, that brings out versions of ourselves we thought we had moved past.

And this is something I hear constantly in sessions.

So many clients talk about missing their families, looking forward to being together, and genuinely wanting closeness. What they describe coming back with, though, is a sense of falling back into roles they thought they had outgrown. Feeling more reactive than they are in their everyday lives. Feeling responsible for everyone’s emotions. Feeling surprised by how quickly old dynamics resurface.

This is not a sign that growth did not happen. It is a reminder that family systems run deep.

Why It Feels So Intense

Family dynamics are built over years. Roles, expectations, and emotional rules tend to form early, often before we had the language or autonomy to challenge them. When families come back together, especially during emotionally loaded times like the holidays, those patterns reactivate almost automatically.

There is also an enormous amount of pressure baked into this season. Pressure to be grateful. Pressure to enjoy it. Pressure to keep the peace. Pressure to make it meaningful.

All of that makes it very easy to override your own limits and very hard to stay grounded in who you are now.

Expectations Versus Boundaries

Expectations sound like hoping someone will finally show up differently. That this year will be easier. That if you explain yourself one more time, things will change.

Boundaries are quieter. They are about knowing what tends to happen and deciding ahead of time how you will take care of yourself when it does.

Boundaries are not about controlling the room. They are about reducing the emotional whiplash that comes from repeatedly expecting a different outcome.

Grieving the Holiday You Wish You Had

Another piece that comes up a lot is grief. Not always obvious grief, but grief for the family experience you wish existed. A holiday that feels safer. Conversations that feel easier. A dynamic that allows you to fully relax.

Holding onto that fantasy can make every gathering more painful. Letting go of it can feel heavy, but it also creates space for something more realistic and manageable.

Acceptance does not mean excusing behavior or settling for less than you deserve. It means seeing the situation clearly so you can make intentional choices instead of reacting from old wounds.

Showing Up Without Losing Yourself

The goal is not to avoid family or dread every holiday. It is to show up with more awareness of your emotional capacity and fewer expectations that others will change.

That might mean shorter visits, more breaks, redirecting conversations, or choosing not to engage in topics that consistently leave you dysregulated.

It might also mean allowing yourself to enjoy the parts that do feel good without trying to fix the parts that do not.

Family dynamics do not resolve overnight. But every time you choose clarity over guilt and self-respect over obligation, you loosen the grip of old patterns just a little.

If the holidays feel complicated for you, that makes sense. You are not reacting to one dinner or one comment. You are responding to years of history. And that deserves compassion.

Gabrielle Eichler, RMHCI